Frequently asked questions about sexuality and diversity

Sexual orientation describes what gender or genders you feel attracted to (for example women, men, several genders, all genders or no gender).

For most people, sexual orientation is a central part of their personality. That's why it is also called sexual identity. Because it not only describes who you are attracted to, it includes your individual experiences and your personal feelings and perceptions. But no matter what your sexual orientation: sexuality is multifaceted. Because when it comes to your love life, what counts is your very own feelings and desires. Don't put pressure on yourself and don't let anyone talk you into anything – make your own experiences and love whoever you want to love.

And by the way: it's not only sexual orientation that is diverse, gender is too. But they are still two different things. While sexual orientation refers to the gender of the people someone is attracted to, gender identity is about whether a person self-identifies with the gender assigned to them, whether it describes them appropriately and sufficiently. Gender identity refers to your own feeling and experience of belonging to one or even more genders.

There are a variety of terms you can use to describe your sexual orientation. These are the most common ones:

•     Heterosexual – this term means that you are attracted to people of the opposite sex.
•     Homosexual – this describes being attracted to people of the same sex. You can also use the terms queer, lesbian or gay.
•     Bi(sexual) – this expresses that you are attracted by your own gender and by a different gender.
•     Pansexual – pansexual people are attracted to other people, regardless of their gender. Some also use the term omnisexual for this.
•     Asexual – this term describes not feeling any sexual attraction, or hardly any, no matter to which gender.

And these are just the most common terms to describe sexual orientations: if you can't find the right term for you, don't worry, because sexual orientation is as individual as each human being. Feel free to choose the term that best expresses how you feel or invent a new one. And if you don't feel like being classified, then don't use a label. And that is also perfectly fine.

There is enormous diversity when it comes to sexual orientation. Because everyone has their own preferences, desires and feelings. Some people are attracted to other genders, some to their own, and some find several genders attractive. For some people another person's gender is irrelevant. This varies from person to person. Some people describe themselves as lesbian or gay, asexual, bisexual, pansexual or heterosexual. A person's sexual orientation can also change over time. It is okay to be insecure or curious. Don't put pressure on yourself, because wants and needs take time and can change.

When it comes to sexual orientation, coming-out has a special significance. Coming out to yourself means coming to terms with your own sexual orientation. At the end of this process, you have an idea of which gender or genders you feel attracted to. This usually happens during puberty.

External coming-out refers to talking or showing your sexual orientation to other people, such as your family. But it is entirely up to you who you want to come out to. Some people don't come out at all to other people, and others only come out to certain groups, such as their friends. This process can be different for each person.

And by the way: a person's sexual orientation can also change over time. This happens by itself and cannot be influenced or affected from the outside. And that's also why it's okay to be unsure or curious. Don't put pressure on yourself, because wants and needs take time and can change.

In our society, people often only see you either as a woman or as a man. This classification is also called binary gender system. But there is in fact a lot of diversity when it comes to gender, because people differ in many ways: in what is important to us, in what we like and also in what we feel. And this not only applies to our ideas and values, but also to our gender, our gender identity, to be precise.

Gender identity refers to our own perception and feeling when it comes to identifying as one or even more genders. While you are assigned a gender at birth (usually man or woman), whether and how you identify with this assigned gender can differ quite a lot. And that's why gender is also diverse.

You are usually assigned a gender at birth – often man or woman. But whether and how you identify with the gender assigned to you can vary a lot. And that is why there are many different genders as well as terms to describe gender:

•     Cis – this is how you describe someone who finds the gender assigned to them suitable and identifies with it.
•     Trans – this term refers to someone who does not consider the gender assigned to them suitable and does not identify with it.
•     Intersex – this term means that the assigned gender is not determinated. In this case we call this diverse.
•     Non-binary – this term means that you do not (only or always) define yourself as female or male.

These are just a few terms to describe gender. If you can't find the right term for you, don't worry, because gender is as individual as each human being. Feel free to choose the term that best expresses how you feel or invent a new one. And if you don't feel like being classified, then don't use a label. And that is also perfectly fine.

You can't tell a person's gender by looking at them. At most you can assume it. And you can be wrong about that and unintentionally hurt someone. That's why language is important. It shows that you respect the other person and accept them as they are, including their gender.

Even how you address them and the pronoun you use are important. Because you can't tell a person's gender from their name or appearance! Often you will be right in your assumption, but not always. And to make sure that people are not assigned a gender they do not identify with, it's best that you state your pronoun right at the beginning. Whether you are cis, trans, intersex, non-binary, or don't want to commit, a preferred pronoun makes it easier for others to address you properly and for you to connect to others.

Conversion therapy is a »service« designed to change or suppress a person's sexual orientation or gender identity. Such pseudo-therapies designed to influence you come in different forms and have different names: it can be a seemingly well-meaning book recommendation, a conversation with a supposed professional or a group discussion with a spiritual advisor and people who have supposedly been »healed«. Often, providers of these pseudo-therapies use better sounding names, for example, self-help for same-sex inclinations.

But no matter what these services are called or what form they take: They are unnecessary and dangerous. Sexual orientation and gender identity cannot be consciously influenced or changed – and certainly not from the outside. And since you are not sick, all these supposed attempts at therapy are, of course, unnecessary. However, such pseudo-therapies can cause anxiety and depression and even lead to suicide. In Germany, conversion therapy has therefore been banned for adolescents since 2020.

LIEBESLEBEN has all the important information you need to protect yourself from conversion therapy. And the people of the online counselling service will also tell you where you can get help near you.

Yes! In Germany, »therapy« aimed at changing or suppressing a person's sexual orientation or gender identity is prohibited for adolescents under 18 years. And there is a good reason why this is so. Such pseudo-therapies are ineffective and dangerous. Since June 2020, the law on protection against conversion therapy has been in force in Germany. It prohibits conversion therapy, and pseudo-therapies as such, to be offered or given to adolescents under 18 years of age. To arrange such therapies or to advertise them is also prohibited.

Conversion therapy may not be performed on adults either unless they have previously consented to such »treatment«. However, an adult can only provide legally valid consent if it is informed consent. The consent is not informed, for example, if the provider did not inform the adult prior to the »therapy« that conversion therapy is ineffective and very dangerous. There are other laws that protect you from discrimination based on your sexual orientation or gender identity. For example, there is the General Equal Treatment Act (AGG). And you are also protected under criminal law: bodily harm, coercion and violation of honour are prohibited in Germany, no matter the age of the injured party.

Conversion therapy is one thing above all: ineffective. A person's sexual orientation and gender identity cannot be consciously influenced or changed – and certainly not from the outside. That's why conversion therapy is always ineffective and wrong. Such pseudo-therapies are not scientifically grounded. On the contrary: the vast majority of experts warn against conversion therapy – as do many professional associations such as the German Medical Assembly and the World Medical Association. 

It has, however, been scientifically proven that conversion therapy is dangerous and can make people sick. These pseudo-therapies put pressure on people, often in a concealed manner. And that can cause people not to see themselves as »normal« and to believe that they need to change (or be changed). The resulting stress and negative feelings can damage your health and make you sick, for example. in the form of depression. Conversion therapy sometimes even leads to people committing suicide. That's why it is important that you recognise that you are undergoing conversion therapy early on and that you get help when you are not feeling well. The counselling service of LIEBESLEBEN supports you in this process.